When you finally decide to try online dating, your friends will tell you “There are a lot of crazies out there!” Frankly, that’s unfair. The vast majority of women online are not crazy. They’re just like you, and they worry that you’re crazy too. So let’s be kind here. Kind, and wise.
I think there are two “screening criteria” that can help you avoid a lot of problems. (1) How is she with boundaries? (2) How much responsibility does she take for problems? For both of these, you don’t ask direct questions–just keep these in mind as you listen and interact. It’s not hard to spot either of these.
First, boundaries: not enough, or too many? Not enough–when someone divulges too much personal information too quickly. Especially sexual information. Also if she professes intense feelings for you too quickly. That’s so flattering! Who wouldn’t fall in love with me on the first date? Sadly, it’s not usually a good sign.
Too many boundaries is less common (after all, she is online). Except for one very important area. Some women are extremely closeted. They may have good reasons–fear of losing child custody, jobs, family, social and professional networks. These may be valid reasons, but remember “Secrecy = Shame.” If you’re in a relationship with someone who has to hide you, it can make you feel invisible, unimportant, even stigmatized.
Second, responsibility. We all have to deal with adversity: break-ups, work problems, family conflicts. That’s life. But who do you blame for these problems?
Some people, “externalizers,” blame everyone else. “My partner was too controlling, my boss doesn’t like me, my family rejected me, the women I meet are all crazy.” Any one of these could be true, but all of them? This pattern of blaming is chronic, entrenched, rigid; i.e., it’s not going to change. When you hear someone blaming others, heads up! You’re next.
Then “internalizers” blame themselves for everything. These women are often easy to take advantage of because they’re so vulnerable to irrational guilt. “I’m sorry I irritated you by saying you shouldn’t drive home after 4 drinks. You probably drank so much because I made you nervous.”
Given the choice, I’d rather be with someone who takes too much responsibility, not too little. But I really respect someone who hits a balance between extremes. And I think you can tell that quickly, if you tune in to the boundaries-and-responsibility channel.