Lots of us didn’t learn to date in high school, and don’t really want to start learning now. Understandable, but not a realistic plan. I mean, some form of dating is required if you want to have a partner, or keep one.
Actually, dating usually means spending an afternoon or an evening with one other person to see if you have any romantic feelings for her, and want to spend more time with her. Usually, you’ll know that within 1 or 2 dates. Then there’s a Problem to handle.
What if I want her, but she doesn’t want me? I’ll feel rejected, humiliated, depressed. I’ll be afraid to ever try again.
Or what if she wants me, but I don’t want her? I’ll feel guilty, resentful, pitying. I’ll get stuck in a boring relationship because I can’t hurt her feelings.
Given these appealing alternatives, no wonder some women opt to stay home.
Being rejected. I like you, you don’t like me, this isn’t going anywhere. Those feelings can really sting, and it’s incredibly hard not to personalize everything. But believe it or not, it really isn’t that personal. We seem to be wired to respond to different behaviors and appearances. That’s why there’s a click of “This feels right” or “We’re a good fit.”
Or not.
For instance, some people aren’t attracted to Type A personalities. Others love them. It’s not a personal rejection -it’s about the fit.
So how is it to be the rejector? When I don’t like you, you like me, this isn’t going anywhere. As women, we’re prone to feeling guilty for hurting someone’s feelings, but really, what choice is there? Don’t date at all, so no one ever gets hurt? Or try dating, and trust yourself to honor your feelings. Courtesy and respect for each other helps the situation–guilt does not.
Maybe I should talk about why dating is good for you. Otherwise, why write this?
There’s a way people act when they’re dating. In the animal kingdom, there are “courting behaviors.” Humans do grooming and preening, like showering, shaving, moisturizing, deoderizing, powdering, lip glossing…Paying more attention to self in order to look and feel better to someone else. All that usually adds up to a self-esteem boost. It’s a nice by-product!
The dating looks are good, and so are the behaviors. You know what it’s like to try to impress someone. You impress yourself! You are active, planning interesting and fun things to do together. You practice your best communication skills, listening attentively and talking candidly. You whisper sweet nothings, expressing fondness and admiration. She looks at you lovingly, and you feel the glow inside. More self-esteem growing!
Recently I heard someone say she hated dating because “you don’t get to know the real person…everyone is trying to impress each other.” Maybe we should try to impress each other more. We’d probably like ourselves, and each other, more. We’d probably be better partners.