In my personal quest to affirm sexual intimacy for lesbian couples, I keep hearing “Why?” If two women aren’t having sex, and both are okay with that, why is there a problem? Maybe sex just isn’t that important to them.
Well, yes, if this were true, it would be true. There is no rule that states “Thous shalt have sex with thy partner at least twice a month.” And if thy partner does not care, neither should anyone else.
But, here’s the thing. Most women do care. There isn’t a rule, but there is evidence, and data. Like the 92% of women on my first survey who said regular sexual contact is important in a long-term relationship. That 92% isn’t a small or deviant group–that’s the vast majority of these respondents.
In follow-up interviews, every woman spoke positively–or wistfully–about the intimacy that sex can bring into a relationship. No one said “I don’t care.” Here’s what they did say:
“Sex takes your relationship to a different level–deeper, closer, more full.”
It’s pleasurable and exciting, and feels great to have an orgasm–but even more, it’s just the most intimate way you can be with another person.”
“Sex reminds me that she’s my partner, not just another good friend.”
“When we make love I feel so much more connected. It’s a glow that lasts for a few days and makes everything feel better and closer.”
Most of these women were very clear that sex mattered to them, that it had a high value. But that wasn’t reflected in their schedules.
One way to clarify what your true values are is to ask yourself how you spend your time. If you value spirituality, do you plan any time to focus your attention on spiritual practices like meditation, prayer, fellowship, service? If you value nature, do you spend time outdoors enjoying it? If you value family life, do you plan time to eat dinner or play together, listen and talk with each other? Do you prioritize your time to fit your values.
So why talk about sex? Because it matters a lot, to a lot of women.