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Valentine’s Day is approaching, and that’s a mixed blessing.  If you don’t have a lover, you can feel like a loser.  If you have a partner who’s no longer a lover–you’ve drifted into asexual “friendship”–you may feel a painful loss of passion.  Even if you have a lover, you may feel stressed about getting the right gift, dinner reservations, flowers, etc etc.  Where’s the joy in all this?

We humans have a very basic, biological need to feel attached to another living being.  Sexual intimacy is one way to have that, but there are others.  Could be a person or a pet, but the need to touch and be touched, to feel like you matter to someone, is universal and powerful–and it’s not limited to lovers.  So the joy in Valentine’s Day can be this:  remind yourself and whoever is close to you that you both matter, that you love and care for each other, that you have something to give and receive just because you’re reaching out in a loving spirit.

That’s where you’ll find the joy.

At the beginning of each sexual intimacy workshop, I ask women to rank the most negative influences on their sexual relationship.  Over half of the time, “negative body image” heads the list.  We’re so trained to stand outside ourselves, judging our bodies–but to enjoy sex we need to enjoy on how our bodies feel, not how they look.  So how do you make that shift?

One way is to pay attention to what you’re seeing, hearing, touching, smelling, tasting. Appreciate how your body can stretch, and bend, and lift, how your feet and legs carry you.  Many women say that yoga is a great part of “24-hour foreplay” because it helps them feel their bodies from the inside instead of standing outside, judging.

Paying loving attention to your own body may seem selfish, or self-centered, or even slightly weird. But remember the wonderful, intimate loop of sexuality: My experience of sensual pleasure is exciting to my partner, and hers is to me.  Being in touch with my body helps me touch hers lovingly.

What has helped you appreciate your own body more?  Let me know so I can post it here.  And try to thank your body for three things today!

It’s easy to feel grateful for the easy part of sex.  Think of oxytocin, the wonderful “bonding chemical” that brings an orgasmic flood of warmth and gratitude.  Blending attachment and sexual excitement–what could be better? Yes, I’m grateful for that!

And I’m also grateful for another gift that sexuality offers.  Choosing to be sexual–alone or together–makes you go to a different territory for awhile.  You get out of your head, pay more attention to physical sensations.  If you have a partner, you pay more attention to her, too.  And you get to play around in your imagination, tapping into erotic images, memories, fantasies.  The intention to be sexual takes us into different spaces that are pleasurable, relaxing, and intimate.  I’m grateful that sexuality can motivate us to venture into this territory.

Imagine you could have anything you want in 2012.  Would sexual feelings be on your list?  Whether alone or with a partner, would you like to feel more sexually awake, curious, open to intimacy?  If wanting could make it happen, would you want to feel more sexual in 2012?

The magic lies in saying to yourself “I want to feel…”  This is how wishful fantasies change into actual experiences.  It could be that you start noticing cues ad connections that you didn’t see before.  You may choose to do some things differently because you have a desired outcome.  You may take more responsibility for creating a positive sexual experience.

Or maybe the magic is something more mystical, like the universe responds to your psychic vibrations and makes sexuality manifest itself in your life.  I don’t know why, but I am sure that it starts with focusing on how you’d like to feel.  Would you like to have more positive sexual feelings in 2012?  Think about it!

Your Inner Judge may have a problem with this.  She may tell you that wanting is needy, selfish, greedy, self-indulgent, immature, etc. etc.  She (the Inner Judge) adds “No one’s sexual all the time” and “There’s a lot more to intimacy than just sex.”  Of course there is.  But really, wanting is just nature’s way of guiding you toward fulfilling experiences.  This doesn’t take away from anyone else.  On the contrary, you usually give more of your better self when you feel better about yourself.

Think about how you’d like to feel in 2012.   Put it in words, for yourself.

It’s that time of the year again.  The alleged joy of the season is often overshadowed by stressful questions, like How/When/Where can I find the Perfect Gift for my lover?  What if I think it’s perfect, and she doesn’t?  What if I give her X, and she’d rather have Y?

Stop a minute.  How about giving her your presence?  I mean real, authentic, in-the-moment presence, when you try to understand how she feels and what’s on her mind.  Pay attention to what’s happening between you, right here and now.  Try lingering with her, enjoying the moments of shared coffee in the morning, or talking about your day in the evening, or making love before making other plans.  These are the gifts that keep on giving both of you sensations and images that warm your heart, deepen your connection, bring you joy.

If you’re mindful about giving your presence, you’ll notice something else too.  How are you with receiving?  Can you accept her undivided attention, and let her know what’s on your mind?  Can you let go of trying to meet her needs and talk about your own?  Can you be fully present when she wants to please you?  Receiving, for many of us, is actually harder than giving,  but it’s it’s an equally important part of being present.  Presence is reciprocal–it’s not a one-way street.

So remember the most important gift of all:  Yourself, your attention, your desire to be present, your willingness to linger together.  Then it’s okay if your material gifts aren’t perfect, because your presence is.

During a workshop about ways to intentionally create sexual desire, the usual question comes up:  If it doesn’t come naturally, why should I have to work at it?

Here’s why–if you wait for sexual feelings to come up spontaneously, they probably won’t come up at all. “Spontaneous desire” is really a myth.  You worked at creating desire when you were dating–planning every detail, trying to look your best, acting attentive and available.  So unless you’re prepared for a life without sex, it’s in your best interest to keep that “dating” mentality.  Keep setting aside time, making an effort, putting your best foot forward.  Research shows that you’ll be happier with your partner if you sustain sexual intimacy.  You may even enjoy knowing you can take charge of your sexual feelings, instead of floating along waiting to catch a fast current.  The choice is simple: intentional sex, or no sex at all.

It’s that time of year again…thoughts of sharing the warm sunshine and new blossoms with someone you love…but if you’re single, how do you find that person?  Online dating is an option that can really expand your options–and can also bring you major headaches, unless you screen carefully.  Here are two critieria I think are vital:

1–Good boundaries!  Does the person disclose too much personal information before you’ve even met in person?  Or do they reveal absolutely nothing about themselves?  Either extreme can be a problem.  TMI often signals too many problems, and too much secrecy suggests paranoia.  Remember that, at best, you’re communicating with a friendly stranger, and save the more personal information for face-to-face contact.  At the same time, don’t withhold general information that anyone would want to know, like what kind of work you do,  what are your general interests and social activities.

2- Personal responsibility!  Listen carefully to how people handle adversity.  Do they blame others for everything?  Or themselves?  A balance is good!  Blaming others is not an attractive quality, and you’re likely to be the next target.  On the other hand, abject shame and self-blame isn’t very appealing either. So pay attention to how people assign responsibility, and imagine how you’d feel in that situation.

Those are two issues that seem to show up rather quickly, even in on-line communication.  Have you noticed others?  Let me know!

For a Happier New Year, Try This!

There is something scintillating about the clean slate of a new year, a chance to finally do what we think we should: exercise more, drink less, lose weight, quit smoking, get organized.Sadly, the terrific intentions of New Year’s resolutions usually deflate within days or weeks, as we fall back into baseline behaviors that leave us feeling dissatisfied, guilty, disappointed, maybe even resigned and hopeless. This is the depressing outcome of many high hopes for the new year.

Fortunately, scientific studies have identified strategies that really do increase happiness. In The How of Happiness, social psychologist Sonia Lyubomirsky summarizes the positive thoughts and behaviors that characterize happy people: nurturing relationships, expressing gratitude, cultivating optimism, being physically active, savoring the present moment. She also lists other characteristics, as well as specific steps to enhance each of these. Lyubomirsky suggests that much of happiness has to do with innate personality characteristics and specific life circumstances-but 40% of our happiness is up to us.

How do these translate to daily life? Letting people know that you like/love/admire/respect/appreciate them;  imagining positive outcomes to difficult situations;  walking whenever you have a chance;  paying attention to what you see and hear and feel in the present moment. These are the thoughts and behaviors in the present that will naturally guide you to more positive feelings in the new year. These will make an enduring, authentic difference in how you feel about yourself and others. Best of all, these are all under your control. So think about how you’d like to feel, and choose yourself a Happier New Year!

Sometimes “Happy Holidays” aren’t really happy. Expectations of fun and laughter can make people feel sad and lonely. Many of us in same-sex relationships feel a double whammy: we share everyone’s stress about money/gifts/parties/family expectations, and we have the added stress of negotiating family dynamics around sexuality. Couples wonder if they can share a bedroom when they visit the parents. Single people dread the question—usually popped at the dinner table while surrounded by aunts and uncles and cousins who assume they’re straight—“Who are you dating these days?” All of us constantly re-visit the question of how much to tell whom about our real selves. How much do we abandon ourselves, and our partners, during this season of love and joy?
The particulars of each person’s situation have to be worked out individually—but there are three guidelines that will always help. So I offer these in the hopes that your holidays can bring you more enjoyment and less stress.

1. Remember the loving relationships that sustain you day to day. For many of us, friends/partners support us much more than family. If pleasing your family requires abandoning your partner, think carefully. Nurture the most those who support you the most.
2. Keep a sense of perspective. Five years from now, will it matter if some gifts aren’t perfect? If the dish you bring to a family dinner doesn’t actually taste very good, will anyone really care next month? Or, if someone gets upset about your sexual orientation, might they get over it in five years?
3. Focus on enjoying the present moment. Christmas lights, beautiful music, friendly conversations—enjoy these while they’re happening. These are the real gifts of the holiday season.